I am....?

Why does it always seem to be that whenever I am either a.) taking a shower or b.) trying to fall asleep that I start thinking Deep Thoughts? Where's the off-switch? And these aren't the fabulous Deep Thoughts of SNL fame such as http://www.deepthoughtsbyjackhandey.com/yesterday-1.asp?DayW=2 It's the kind that I have to dig into and think about~ usually in terms of how poorly I am doing in this area and how I need to improve. Which at first seems really discouraging, until I get the punchline and the little lightbulb goes on over my head. Since this is sort of my online journal *looks over at paper journal gathering dust*, I thought I'd share the latest episode of Thoughts from the Shower (be afraid. Be very afraid.) If I don't write it out somehow it just sits and rattles around in my head and it drives me nuts :o) It's interesting to note, too, that many of the themes discussed in church today meshed with this, which really felt neat~ just made the lightbulb moment a little warmer and brighter and improved the clarity :o)

I was reveling in the hot, hot water and the delicious smell of my lemon zest shampoo a few days ago, thinking about how much I love taking pictures, how happy I feel when I catch certain images or moments and wondering at what point a person becomes a "photographer". At what point is it not presumptuous to make that declaration? When is it appropriate to cross over from "I love to take pictures" to "I am a photographer"? and is there really a difference? I think there is. Saying I love to take pictures tells you that it is something I enjoy, but saying I'm a photographer tells you it's something that I am~ a part of me. And yet the worry always comes that making an official declaration like that could be taken as "she thinks she's all THAT", which I do not, and so I just continue being someone who loves to take pictures so nobody will think I think I'm fabulous (yes, this makes sense~ you just have to read it a couple of times lol). The more time goes on, the more that just doesn't sit so well inside. I feel like I'm not being completely honest, or completely grateful for this part of me that brings me so much joy. Maybe it would be more accurate to say that "I'm an artist" since there are other creative fields such as painting and poetry that, like photography, when I engage in them, bring me a feeling of being where I should be~ like I am in harmony with the intentions of my Creator. That's when I feel the most peaceful, the most happy, and the most "truly me". And, I've found, apart from the artistic side of me, I feel the most at peace and "truly me" when I'm outside of myself~ when my thoughts and concerns are focused outward in the concern of others. I guess that's what the Savior meant when He said that we need to lose ourselves to find ourselves. Deep stuff.

I've heard a lot of talk lately about people wanting to "find themselves"~ who end up, like Dorothy and her faithful sidekick Toto, wandering off to seek Other Things, just knowing that somewhere over the rainbow, or in Europe, or with some other man or woman or career, that's where they will find themselves and all the happiness that is meant for them. As if "they" are Out There Somewhere instead of right here, right now for a reason. I think it's human nature~ but I also know we're here to overcome that and focus on what is real and true and enduring, so we don't get lost out in the cyclone, wishing we'd stayed home with Auntie Em, only to realize that everything we needed and wanted was right in our own backyard. I understand the feelings of restlessness and yearning~ I have them all the time. Frankly, I get bored easily and am always looking for new and better ways to do this that and the other thing, new things to learn, books to read, ideas to bring to life, causes to champion, sights to see, projects to do; but luckily, for me, I haven't ever desired to leave behind what matters most in search of (insert Greener Grass thing here). We're supposed to reach and strive and achieve great things and fulfill our highest potential. But the adversary, as always, puts a twist on things and has made it seem wrong somehow to feel good about yourself and your abilities~ wrong to be content with the gifts you've been given~ and turned that "searching for more" into something damaging instead of something edifying, as it was meant to be. I've come to realize that those feelings of restlessness and yearning aren't meant to pull us away from what we deem to be boring or dull or unfulfilling and on to Bigger and Better things (in terms of faith and family etc~ I'm sure careers are another matter all together :o) )~ but are meant to draw us nearer to what we used to know~ what is inherent in our divine natures, not our human ones. I think the adversary wants us to be confused about who we really are~ whether it's "photographer" "wife" "mother" or most especially "child of God". I think he preys upon those moments of uncertainty when the yearning takes hold and we reach out for something to lead us to whatever will satiate the hunger~ (I just had a visual of Wile E. Coyote turning the road signs to point in a different direction~ down a road that leads to a great big road runner trap, or a big cave painted on the side of a mountain. They're all traps, and they're all designed to keep us from reaching our true destination.) I've let that wolf fool me one too many times. I felt a little braver as I was pondering all of this, but that side of me that doubts and fears has a pretty strong pull sometimes. This is why it's important to write this stuff down~ I keep forgetting :o)

So while I don't know if I'm quite brave enough to say "I am..." without that long-held, unnamed fear~ I do know this: everytime I take a picture, I am more of a photographer. Everytime I write a poem, I am more of a poet. Every time I choose to give of myself to my husband and my children, I am more of a wife and mother in the truest sense. Every time I humble myself and follow God in faith, I am more His child. One photo, one word, one selfless act, one commandment followed at a time.

I love music so much~ and this song really inspires me. I couldn't find a really good video, so this one will have to do~ I personally dedicated this song to God and to my children. They truly do make me want to be Brave :o) I want my boys to be able to say "I am_____" with confidence and joy, and truly rejoice in their gifts and talents and faith; but they need to see me do it first. (No pressure or anything! ;o) )
This is by Nicole Nordeman and it's called "Brave". (she's one of my very favorites~ I don't think she's ever written a bad song :o) )



(oh my gosh I just embedded a video all by myself and it works!?!? *swoooon* THUD)